Five years and no new cancer!

Spring is right around the corner...

Even if it snows again, that is o.k., the sun is back and it is getting stronger every day!

Still lovin' my vegan journey. I am so into food.

Made my old stand-by Yakisoba tonight, a la' my girlfriend Keiko.

Yum.

My herbal, strawberry patch spiral my husband made for me.

A view from last March.

I saw my new oncologist today. He is so nice, thorough, and attentive. I haven't seen an oncologist for two years so having a doctor that is following me feels so reassuring. Over the last two weeks I have had a complete blood panel, a chest x-ray, an abdominal CT-scan (yikes), a brain MRI, total MRI scan of my spine, and hips. No cancer!!!! I do have arthritis in my spine and neck and stenosis, but that is nothing compared to bone cancer.

Yes, I'll take that, thank you...

Yoga, physical therapy, massage, well that sounds lovely.

No proton beam radiation, I am such a lucky girl.

Seeds I saved from plants I grew. On this tray, radish and oats.

And a Butternut seed from my neighbor Henry's tree.

We miss you Henry....

A single drop of blood

I cry as I write this, listening to Loreena McKennitt and watching my son play with his dinosaurs in a giant pile of clean, beautiful soil that will be our garden.  It is funny, now that I know I have cancer everything feels so much more precious to me, even a single drop of blood.  I don't dwell too much on my new state of health, or lack of it, but it does cross my mind in a melancholy sort of way.  

There have been many times in my life when I sat quietly and stared into the reality of my own death.  But I have this name now and I can feel my death walk with me, beside me, in a tangible, peaceful way.  It is all unknown, every day, I know that.  But one of my possible moments is now named and that is o.k., it's all precious, every drop.  I won't waste a moment of it.

Today, washing old flower pots I cut my finger.  It was a quick, sharp, deep, tiny cut but it bled. A single, large drop of my blood fell.  That is me, that is my life, I thought.  I have this big fear, an even bigger sadness, but wrapped around all of that I have this deep sense of magic.  The beautiful gift of life, the sacredness of death, there is a beauty in it.  We all have to pass that way, I am just so conscious of it now.  I will, hopefully, have many more years of this Good Life but for now, processing this new state, I am somehow able to embrace my death.  I love life, I love my home, my family, my friends, my chores, me.

My husband returned from his trip yesterday.  He was happy to see me, I was deeply grateful for him too.  Every time he hugs me now I cry.  A deep, childlike, choking sob...of happiness, of love, of sadness, of fear, of gratefulness...like a long, slow goodbye.

It's getting better every day, better, better, better...

We left Pittsburgh, drove for 7 1/2 hours and are now in Waterbury, CT. Heading home, sweet home, my beloved New England. I hope some one out there Googles Chondrosarcoma and finds me....I have so much to learn but want to be a guide. I know when they told me they thought I had Chondrosarcoma I was devastated to say the least. I am very hopeful right now. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most malignant, my biopsy came back as a 1-2. I am so blessed. My doctor, Daniel Prevedello, thinks he got 100% of what he could see with his eyes. He said it was a landmark surgery, they did things in my skull they had never done before because of the location of my tumor. He thinks it is over 2 1/2 years old....What was I doing then? Seems so strange to think of my life like that, my body growing a tumor. There will always be some cells left behind so I am going to get Proton Beam (sounds like a comic book ZAP, POW) radiation to hopefully kill the rest of the cells. So far they only have 10 years of data on regrowth and with radiation it looks good. I am hopeful.

On side note, my wonderful dog Roosevelt died two years ago this April of a similar tumor in his skull that eroded his skull and also grew a polyp type tumor. We kept him going for a year and he couldn't make it, the pain was too much.

If you Google and find me, I went to the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center in Oakland, Pittsburgh, PA. I had surgery on Monday and was released from the hospital 2 days later. I was released from their care 8 days later. They have it dialed in there and have done over 1200 extended endonasal surgeries. Google them, send them an email, write to me at this blog.

I have to thank all of my dear friends and family for praying for me, for thinking of me, for worrying, for loving me. I love you all. My life is so rich, so full and I am so thankful. My life begins anew....Peace.

So, this is the beginning, who would have thunk it?

I said let's start at the beginning and this week has been a new beginning. I am four days out from my skull/brain surgery. I cannot believe I am typing this about me. Today was the first time since I started this journey that it actually hit me, I just had major surgery inside my skull. I cannot believe how lucky I am, a few years ago and this would not be my story.

I am feeling very weak and vulnerable right this minute, I have been blessed with a deep calm that helped me march through this week but tonight I guess I am suffering from minor post traumatic stress, it was me. I was so blessed to have been led to the Univ. of Pittsburgh Medical Center to have this endonasal surgery to remove what they think was a chondrosarchoma. Of the two scary things that it could be that would actually be the lesser of the two, go figure.

So tonight I am reaching deep down to find the strength, I keep turning back to the light, breathing in the light and letting go of the fear. That was how I made it here, that is how I will continue on this journey. I am surrounded by love, by so many blessings and facing all the possibilities has been a major component of my strength but because I can't cry now (because of all of the nasal packing) I find myself stifled, half crying. Man is it hard to half cry, half chortle in a face bandage with a headache. I just swallow some ice cold water (one of the greatest gifts in life) and dig in the hotel fridge for more chocolate, more important than the vicodin. I don't want to be like Debbie Downer, whah whah whau. I have actually been shedding that persona for the new and improved girl power version of Farm Girl "with a mission". My summer time super hero costume is so much cuter than my winter time beat up, stained, once cream colored parka that has a major stupid rip and pockets full of straw and broken eggs (that is so pathetic but fitting) and jeans and giant boots. I would rather freeze in the New Hampshire air than squeeze into layers of long johns and jeans so I usually do my chores quickly. That is the new me, haven't had a hair cut since July, chapped lips and now a big bandage on my nose. Oh well, so grateful for the nose.

Love my friends and family more than I can say. This has become my new journal, I must remember to use the spell check too. I have moments when I feel so deep and poetic and many more when I feel silly and unintelligible and the oh so frequent, who really cares....but I do care. I care deeply.

Thank you and YES!