Spring is right around the corner...

Even if it snows again, that is o.k., the sun is back and it is getting stronger every day!

Still lovin' my vegan journey. I am so into food.

Made my old stand-by Yakisoba tonight, a la' my girlfriend Keiko.

Yum.

My herbal, strawberry patch spiral my husband made for me.

A view from last March.

I saw my new oncologist today. He is so nice, thorough, and attentive. I haven't seen an oncologist for two years so having a doctor that is following me feels so reassuring. Over the last two weeks I have had a complete blood panel, a chest x-ray, an abdominal CT-scan (yikes), a brain MRI, total MRI scan of my spine, and hips. No cancer!!!! I do have arthritis in my spine and neck and stenosis, but that is nothing compared to bone cancer.

Yes, I'll take that, thank you...

Yoga, physical therapy, massage, well that sounds lovely.

No proton beam radiation, I am such a lucky girl.

Seeds I saved from plants I grew. On this tray, radish and oats.

And a Butternut seed from my neighbor Henry's tree.

We miss you Henry....

Sunset in heaven....

My husband and our son spent the afternoon canoeing on the lake. As they silently glided along the silver surface our son whispered, "This is my dream." That is heaven. He had to take a few jumps into the ice cold water before they left for home.

With all of the ecological nightmares going on at this very second, so terrible I hesitate to mention them, I can't even bring myself to discuss them, I just read about them and my soul weeps, I actually feel guilty living such a wonderful life...

Our three day turkey poults. White Breasted and Mammoth Bronze Breasted. We have five little babies now. If the two Bronzes are male and female we are not going to harvest them. Seems so strange to talk about them that way, but their life will be wonderful....

Here is their home. We did buy the wire new and some of the lumber for the frame, but we scavenged all the rest. The windows, the plywood, the siding, the tin roof, all of it from left over stuff or from friends that donated their scrapes. We have so many predators around here that if we leave for the day the kids will have to hang out locked in the patio, otherwise we have a electrified web fence that we can move around the turkey pad so they can graze. Momma fox and her kits were playing outside of their den yesterday at my neighbor's house. I have read enough Beatrix Potter to know how sneaky a fox can be.

Hope you have a peaceful day!

*By mid-summer of the first year we ended up putting in a wooden floor over the screen to protect their feet, they grow so big, so fast. It is 2017 and we are still using it! Summer for chickens and in winter, sides covered, for the ducks.

Eine kleine Nachtmusik...

I was typing tonight and kept hearing sounds that called me outside. I stepped out into the night air, like slipping in for a gentle swim in cool water. The moon, almost full. Fireflies lighting the trees like fairies and out across the fields I could hear a trio of Barred Owls calling to each other. "Who-cooks, who-cooks-for-you-all". It was utterly magical. I held my breath and leaned up against that 150 year old maple tree that graces our life. I felt in awe of the world. I was a part of the unified pulse, the connection, the energy of it all, the tree, the owls, the air, the moon and stars, the cosmos. It is what people sang about for thousands of years before electricity and television. I said thank you, a deep thank you to the universe, to this lovely, beautiful, sacred earth and all of her animals and plants. And, thought yes, this is living life. I love this place, I love being alive and aware. It touches my soul in such a deep, wonderful way. It is so pure and simple.

My neighbor Henry turned 96 years old today, he has lived here in the Hollow for 51 years! He hasn't really changed his house since the early 1960's and they didn't do too much to it then. It is such an amalgamation of eras, a lifetime of living. It is like time stands still here...

What beauty abounds!!!

Namaste

Life is good.

Raindrops

My lawnmower and manure spreader...

Mullein and melted snow...

Spiral herb garden made for me with love by my love...

Garlic

Over wintered leeks and the very last of the mache, grown and eaten all winter long in an unheated cold frame covered in two extra layers of plastic.

I snapped this picture of two sleeping girls through our wavy, 150 year old window...  looks dreamy.  

Ah, sleeping late is such a guilty pleasure...

Peace.

Earth Anthem

Last night we went to a wonderful, pre-Earth Day performance by Kathy Lowe.  She sang songs and we created some amazing music right here in our own little town.  We came together to honor mother earth and rejoice in our communal energy.  We were all so connected by this beautiful, vibrant expression of our love for the earth.  We ended the evening by singing an anthem, the tune is our national anthem, but the words....

Earth Anthem

O say can we see

By the one light in all

Our Earth to embrace

At the call of all nations

Where our children can play

In a world without war

Where we stand hand in hand

In the grace of creation

Where the rivers run clean

Through the forest of green

Where the cities stand tall

In the clear skies of freedom

O say do our hearts sing

for harmony and love forever

on the planet of our birth

blessed with peace on Earth

Words by Stephen Longfellow

I thought it was lovely.  The entire evening had the same vibe for me as the Iron Eyes Cody pollution commercials of my youth.   They need to show commercials like that again, they propelled me to want to change my world....  We need that energy in the big world now, not more offshore drilling!

http://www.woodshades.com/KathyLowe.html

Spring is here...

Early visitors...

When the ground thaws the earth releases its treasures....  Mica!  I am a little obsessed with the hunt for it on the dirt road outside of the house.  Every time it rains I find more... it reminds me of searching for shells on the beach.

My neighbor gave me this beautiful rock full of mica as a get well gift after my surgery last year.  It was better than a bouquet of flowers.

She is waving hello...

I know farmers should chase the mice out of the barn, but we found this little creature stuck in the bottom of a bucket, dehydrated and dying...  My son and I had to help her.  So, while he cheered me on, I force fed her some water soaked bread and within an hour she was back...   

Of course we had to take her back in the barn when she was better, she might have had friends and family worrying about her...   Now that spring is here I am finding plenty evidence of them... they are still here.  Oh well, I guess it was the hand fulls of corn I left all winter just in case....silly me.

It's a time of rebirth

We woke to the sound of dueling wood peckers on the trees outside of our window.  I watched patches of grass grow before my very eyes yesterday.  The sun was out, the sky was clear and it was warm, like spring.  I planted peas and radishes...  

Hope your weekend is relaxing and peaceful....

The birds

Our new guest has become part of our family.  I think he will stay, I hope anyway.

He is a rescued, tame Canadian goose we took in at the end of January.  He was weak, skinny and very cold.  He can't fly and now has a new home.  

He follows me around the garden, he is lovely, just lovely.

Our neighbor gave us this chicken house last fall.  I put on the window and the nesting box.  I still have some work to do, a coat of paint, a better latch...  so far it is working out great.  The nesting box keeps the eggs so clean.

It only took me a few hours to make two nesting boxes this size.  My idea worked!  I think knowing how to sew helps so much in the construction of any project.  It is all the same idea, creating a three-dimensional, usable object/garment from an idea or prototype, just a different medium... 

Easy to open, easy to clean.

The girls.

The "big" chicken house.  We made it a few years ago out of salvaged or leftover wood and found windows.  It has a bigger box, there are four nests in this box. 

Sista lookin' out into the sun.

Bandit, our rooster.

The gift....

Another Aha moment...

On the way to my doctor's appointment I felt overwhelmed by the idea that my intuition was trying to speak to me.  I feel like I need deep attention from myself for myself.  I always have so much running around inside of my head that I can't quite make out what I am hearing.  It feels jumbled, inaudible, and I think, "slow down, sit quietly, listen."  I have been feeling that impulse for some time now - sit, breathe, Vipassana.... but yet,

.    

I raced to my appointment, grabbed a magazine, it opened to an article written by Jada Pinkett Smith.  I was inspired, it was almost as if I was directed to read it... a sign post.  I love when that happens.  It was about her Aha! moment.  It went something like this.... 

"I was...so stuck in the idea that taking care of others was the way to create good relationships. As a result, I tried to micromanage my world.  One day I was so overwhelmed I thought I might be crushed under the weight of all the responsibilities I'd taken on...when I started meditating that morning, I felt...Surrender or explode. All of a sudden, I was released. 

I realized that by doing less, I can be more."

I felt it. I knew it.  It was the message I was trying to tell myself,

 the whispers I wouldn't listen to.  

Do Less and Be More... 

Take care of myself, stop worrying about everything and everyone else.  

Wouldn't I rather play with my son, on my violin, or sew a purse, plant some food?  

What is it that I really need, every day, to be more whole?  What does my husband and child need from me to feel fulfilled?  What do I need from them?  What is my purpose? 

Big questions, I want to boil it down to the root....

Spring is here, chives, oregano, daffodils, melting snow, have a good one...

Life is good...

Fresh, lovely, organic, fertilized, happy eggs.

Creativity from grief.  I painted this canvas drop cloth for my son.  

He wanted a dino island.  He told me that he can now play knights, Norse myths, pirates, marine mammal rescue, croccodile tamer or fairy world.  He is in seventh heaven today.  

Small effort on my part for one happy boy.

The removal of another layer.  New, energy efficient windows.  

A room with a view.

Namaste... Peace be with you

Lilacs at sunset

So I don't even know how to begin to explain a deep dream come true.  I was given a gift.  I opened my heart to the energy of the universe, I asked in whispers to see life more fully, to breathe more deeply, to feel it all, to be, now, present, awake.

You never really know in what package your gift will arrive.  If you are really open to the gift, you take it all.  My gift came wrapped in fear, a threat of death, a fading away, a son losing his mother, a family losing their girl.  I heard a story about my future that seemed unbelievable, sad, not a dream I had dreamed in the grass looking up into the sky so long ago.  Here I am in the place I dreamed, the heart I dreamed I would be growing but not this ending....and still I accepted it.  My heart grew bigger, my eyes clearer, my mind more quiet, spirit open to every possibility and still I felt thankful, grateful, sad and joyful.  I wrapped my arms around the package and cared for all of it, the gift, the wrapping, the box, all delicately carried under my arm and I said yes.

I looked farther, I stepped in and reached up.  Monday as I breathed into my unfolding day at Mass General in Boston I smiled at my circumstance and accepted it.  It was a great letting go. We met with Dr. Norbert Liebsch to discuss my 38 day proton beam radiation treatment.  I smiled, listened, and wrote down my questions.  He is so amazing, professional, gentle, generous, informed, on the ball and down to earth.  He told me a different story, a different version of my cancer, my chondrosarcoma, a version completely different than the one I had heard twice at two different places at different times.  There is no urgency, there is no impending doom, no sign of the cancerous tumor left, no re-growth, no fear of metastasizing. No need for radiation...

Take a breath, wait 6 months, get new scans, live my life, open to the hope that this is not the time.  I felt elated, relieved and grateful.  I was already so grateful for the journey.  I have been so very in the moment for months, I feel everything, so viscerally, every cell, every molecule, every heartbeat and my yes has become a thank you.

The gift is still under my arm but I can release the wrapping.  It may come in a different form and I am ready but the gift is here, with me now, always, in this very moment and this one and this one and this one.....

Namaste

The hospital, the staff, Dr. Norbert Liebsch are all amazing.  The hospital is state of the art.  Dr. Liebsch is one of the top oncologists for chondrosarcoma in the world.  Mass General is one of a very few hospitals that offer Proton Beam radiation.  They have an amazing cancer treatment center, very inviting, friendly, warm, supportive staff.  They are cutting edge.  I felt very safe, I trusted every one I met.  It was very peaceful.  They are very helpful.  Chondrosarcoma is very slow growing, rarely, rarely metastasizes, doesn't usually cause other problems unless it grows into areas of the brain or brain stem that can be pressured by the tumor.  My tumor was touching my brain.  95% of his patients don't have surgery to remove the tumor, the radiation controls the growth.  It works.  It is very effective.  Talk to him before you get surgery, before you grow your fear.  My surgery was so thorough that Dr. Daniel Prevedello at UPMC removed 100% of the tumor.  Dr. Liebsch couldn't see any evidence of the tumor and thought that the surgery was well done, amazing.  I was blessed, I was lucky, I am deeply grateful.  I won't set my gift down, or store it under the bed in a pretty box, or tuck into the pages of my favorite book.  I will carry my gift always and I still say yes, I have let go of the grip and I feel free.  I dance with my fingertips grazing the veil of the night sky and I am not afraid, for the first time in my life.  This year, which started for me in July, seemed to be about endings, illness, but has been instead about beginnings, life, beauty and love, deep love, even before this Monday at Mass General with wonderful Dr. Norbert Liebsch.

A little old and a little new...

I took the dimensions of the nature bag I made for my son and made a smaller version of it for myself.  I love the pocket under the flap, I just used odd shaped pieces of fabric.  The flap is a little longer but when I fill it with books, my shopping list, my watercolor pad and water colors plus my wallet it takes up the slack.  I designed this bag a few years ago but made it 14" x 15" this bag is 12" x 12".  Smaller and lighter, I am an over-packer, my shoulder is grateful!

A little old, a little new, a little Amy and little Kaffe....

Inside and out!

I love fat quaters....happy spring.

The greatness in me is you.....

Have you ever really wondered what it will be like?  The light, the great light?  The dance is over, the music is a quiet symphony playing as you file out.  Quiet, hot with sweat from the dance, you smile into the dark, the wind twirls your hair, you eyes look up into the night sky and see the stars.  You reach up, mountain pose, high up, touching the very tip, reaching the veil, grazing fingertips across the edges.  Warm air around, toes barely touching the ground, light as a feather. Deep sigh, one look back and up, up, up, up, it is all so beautiful, smiling faces.

While I still dance here in my living room, poetry, rhythm, pulsing beat, beautiful moments, warm, deep, red wine, May evening, sky clear, moon just crescent smile, I dance this dance, moving, sweating, smiling, breathing, dress clinging, shimmering, toes peeking out, arms out stretched, singing the words, loving the dance.  

I am going to be great for me!  This is great for me.  I want to be great for you too.  I whisper your name, I look deeply into your eyes, searching for the white of your teeth just beneath the surface of your smile.  Kiss your life, the essence of all that you are, so full, so alive, good and bad, joy and terror, morning and evening....I wrap my arms around your love, breathe you in deeply and jump......

A tiny forest, algae and fungus....

A beautiful little forest clinging to a small, dead branch.  It is like a galaxy on to itself; independent, fragile, vulnerable, living out its life on a precarious limb.  

Frog eggs or Newt?

Notophthalmus viridescens - Eastern Newt

We watched their dance, male and female locked in a struggled embrace.

Two were silent.  Quiet, unmoving, still locked in their embrace.  Was the passion too strong?  Did their struggle overwhelm them?  It was sad.  The water did not move while the sun blazed across the surface of the pond.  I stared in silence.  Why this moment?  Another newt glimmered in the corner of my eye and I turned my head to follow him.  

The two dead lovers still haunt me, floating there at the bottom, waiting to complete the circle.....

Erythronium americanum - American Trout Lily or Yellow Adder's Tongue

They stand shoulder to shoulder. 

 Lined up, watching each other.  Small, curious faces reaching up from the forest floor.  It was unnaturally warm here today.  It felt like an intrusion, confusion.  There are no leaves on the trees to shelter us from the burning rays.  I think it was the abnormal humidity, the deep, burning heat that invaded our April...

Kerry's favorite spring wild flower

Two happy faces jump and splash.  It began as a walk on the edge, then off came the shirts, knee deep became head first and then, mud bath.

My long haired boy!
A covered bridge.  New, replacing the old.  The town rebuilt her, nail by nail, the story goes.  A youthful prank burned the old one.  Oxen and men slid this one in place, the old way, in honor of the fallen one.  Every nail, every board, all the effort, the entire town came.  

The ritual still survives; horns blow from the heart of the covered bridge.

Melissa officinalis - Lemon Balm

I have extended my nature journal to include a study of the herbs in my garden.  One by one I am going to draw and describe them in my journal.  I think that by doing the study I will remember the details.

Here is a page from my nature journal.  We laid on the grass in front of the stone wall for hours and talked about lichens until it was too dark to see.  

The little red insects?  Ticks, soft bodied ticks.  I thought they were precious little spiders until I put on my glasses...ticks.  They looked like tiny red skinned potatoes.  I still haven't identified them yet.  Do you know what they are called?