One-thirty in the a.m.

Here I am up at one-thirty in the morning sitting in the living room in front of the screen.  I never have trouble sleeping.  Today was one of my worst days at home.  I feel like I am fighting what Churchill called the Black Dog.  Pain and paranoia on the weekend make for a dangerous cocktail, can't call my doctor, is this pain normal?  It isn't like it is my leg or my arm, damn it, it's in my skull, inside of my head.  Is the pain part of the healing? Is the pain part of the problem?

The Black Dog is barking.   I can't do anything, I can't lift anything, clean anything, carry anything, bend over, sneeze too hard, blow my nose, take any medications, I feel like I am suffocating.  I can't taste, I can't smell....I keep my head above water by reminding myself that I don't have a hole in my head.  I guess I could rest easier if I knew this pain was "normal", to be expected.  So I lie there quietly, breathing.  "o.k. nose, heal, relax, white blood cells do your job, fight the infection, I am good at healing, I am strong, I am healthy, I am here.  We need each other, we can heal, breathe in the light, exhale the dog, exhale the fear, exhale the anxiety, exhale the hopelessness, inhale the life, inhale the hope, inhale the love...."  I have been going on for hours, I still can't breathe and I am being honest about it.  I got up, I sat up, I turned to words to to let the dog out. 

I had another tornado dream.  Tornados terrify me more than anything.  I watched from my window as a pitch black cloud with 4 or 5 skinny funnels moved quickly over my house and I didn't run.  I sat there scared but talking, I closed the windows, I watched.  I usually scream in my dreams, run, hide, tremble, sweat but not this time.  Fear doesn't scare me now.  The tornado passed over me.  That was a first.  So, despite the pain, the paranoia I am getting better at getting better.  I am loosening my grip.  I can breathe a little better now, I am sitting upright. I think I will sleep sitting up tonight, any of this is better than the alternative.  Thanks for listening.....I wish I could phone but every one is asleep.