Spring is right around the corner...

Even if it snows again, that is o.k., the sun is back and it is getting stronger every day!

Still lovin' my vegan journey. I am so into food.

Made my old stand-by Yakisoba tonight, a la' my girlfriend Keiko.

Yum.

My herbal, strawberry patch spiral my husband made for me.

A view from last March.

I saw my new oncologist today. He is so nice, thorough, and attentive. I haven't seen an oncologist for two years so having a doctor that is following me feels so reassuring. Over the last two weeks I have had a complete blood panel, a chest x-ray, an abdominal CT-scan (yikes), a brain MRI, total MRI scan of my spine, and hips. No cancer!!!! I do have arthritis in my spine and neck and stenosis, but that is nothing compared to bone cancer.

Yes, I'll take that, thank you...

Yoga, physical therapy, massage, well that sounds lovely.

No proton beam radiation, I am such a lucky girl.

Seeds I saved from plants I grew. On this tray, radish and oats.

And a Butternut seed from my neighbor Henry's tree.

We miss you Henry....

A single drop of blood

I cry as I write this, listening to Loreena McKennitt and watching my son play with his dinosaurs in a giant pile of clean, beautiful soil that will be our garden.  It is funny, now that I know I have cancer everything feels so much more precious to me, even a single drop of blood.  I don't dwell too much on my new state of health, or lack of it, but it does cross my mind in a melancholy sort of way.  

There have been many times in my life when I sat quietly and stared into the reality of my own death.  But I have this name now and I can feel my death walk with me, beside me, in a tangible, peaceful way.  It is all unknown, every day, I know that.  But one of my possible moments is now named and that is o.k., it's all precious, every drop.  I won't waste a moment of it.

Today, washing old flower pots I cut my finger.  It was a quick, sharp, deep, tiny cut but it bled. A single, large drop of my blood fell.  That is me, that is my life, I thought.  I have this big fear, an even bigger sadness, but wrapped around all of that I have this deep sense of magic.  The beautiful gift of life, the sacredness of death, there is a beauty in it.  We all have to pass that way, I am just so conscious of it now.  I will, hopefully, have many more years of this Good Life but for now, processing this new state, I am somehow able to embrace my death.  I love life, I love my home, my family, my friends, my chores, me.

My husband returned from his trip yesterday.  He was happy to see me, I was deeply grateful for him too.  Every time he hugs me now I cry.  A deep, childlike, choking sob...of happiness, of love, of sadness, of fear, of gratefulness...like a long, slow goodbye.