These images reflect my landscape but not my mood. I am not blue, or sad, or forlorn, or lonely, or empty. Actually I am so optimistic, content, at peace, in love and so very full. Sunset tonight was so dramatic, my camera couldn't capture the colors... my mind did.
Since my diagnosis I have moments when my heart skips a beat and my breath gets caught in my throat. Sometimes late at night when I wake up to the sounds of the house settling I feel vulnerable, scared, even paranoid. Thousands of fears and what ifs run through my mind waking me and pushing me into the shadows. I pinpoint and analyze every little pain, stomach rumble, ache or throb and think it too has become something new, something ominous.
So, I roll on to my back, breathe deeply and find my center. I quietly, kindly say to myself, "breathe, I am o.k., my mind is racing because I am afraid, I remember the journey, I am at peace, I am o.k., I am awake therefore I am here. I am in bed, it is time for sleep, to heal, to rejuvenate, to dream."
I find the place in my stomach or chest where I am twisting the fear into panic and I breathe it out. I relax my body, I think about my blessings, my gift of letting go. I think of all of the faces of my friends and family, the smiles I met that day, the animals. It is not always easy to let go but it always works. And then I drift into construction, making a purse, knitting a sweater, thinking about how I want to paint our bedroom, the cute little mirror I saw in the antique shop that inspired me, playing the violin. I think about the things I love to do with my hands, my "free time". I think about the things I want to do with the time that I have, the now.
Those are the sheep that I count.
Count your sheep.
Sleep well out there.
Peaceful spirits and joyful hearts, fear is the real demon.
P.S. Byron Katie has an interesting and powerful perspective on looking at life...
try The Work.