Friday, February 6, 2009

So, this is the beginning, who would have thunk it?

I said let's start at the beginning and this week has been a new beginning. I am four days out from my skull/brain surgery. I cannot believe I am typing this about me. Today was the first time since I started this journey that it actually hit me, I just had major surgery inside my skull. I cannot believe how lucky I am, a few years ago and this would not be my story.

I am feeling very weak and vulnerable right this minute, I have been blessed with a deep calm that helped me march through this week but tonight I guess I am suffering from minor post traumatic stress, it was me. I was so blessed to have been led to the Univ. of Pittsburgh Medical Center to have this endonasal surgery to remove what they think was a chondrosarchoma. Of the two scary things that it could be that would actually be the lesser of the two, go figure.

So tonight I am reaching deep down to find the strength, I keep turning back to the light, breathing in the light and letting go of the fear. That was how I made it here, that is how I will continue on this journey. I am surrounded by love, by so many blessings and facing all the possibilities has been a major component of my strength but because I can't cry now (because of all of the nasal packing) I find myself stifled, half crying. Man is it hard to half cry, half chortle in a face bandage with a headache. I just swallow some ice cold water (one of the greatest gifts in life) and dig in the hotel fridge for more chocolate, more important than the vicodin. I don't want to be like Debbie Downer, whah whah whau. I have actually been shedding that persona for the new and improved girl power version of Farm Girl "with a mission". My summer time super hero costume is so much cuter than my winter time beat up, stained, once cream colored parka that has a major stupid rip and pockets full of straw and broken eggs (that is so pathetic but fitting) and jeans and giant boots. I would rather freeze in the New Hampshire air than squeeze into layers of long johns and jeans so I usually do my chores quickly. That is the new me, haven't had a hair cut since July, chapped lips and now a big bandage on my nose. Oh well, so grateful for the nose.

Love my friends and family more than I can say. This has become my new journal, I must remember to use the spell check too. I have moments when I feel so deep and poetic and many more when I feel silly and unintelligible and the oh so frequent, who really cares....but I do care. I care deeply.

Thank you and YES!

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