Monday, February 16, 2009

The sun in my face...

  As I sit here quietly squeezing my face between my hands trying to find some relief from this new headache I slowly open my eyes, the sun is shining in my face, my skin is warm, I breathe in, I am alive.  I am not trying to sound melodramatic I am trying to sound alive.  Everything is so fresh, so new, so intense, I feel the vibration of everything now.  My senses are heightened, I can't smell or taste but I can imagine, I can remember.
  My darling is making my lunch, he loves me so much, more than I ever really knew.  He is so patient, so kind.  The back of my head hurts, I have been asking my skull to heal, asking my cancer to stop growing.  I know that it has its purpose but it has to stop now.  Misinformed as those cells are they aren't trying to kill me, they are trying to do what they do, replicate, misinformed, misconstrued, misdirected.  So the next phase is Proton Beam radiation. Hopefully that will kill the remaining cells.  My body tends to heal quickly, my hair grows fast, my nails grow fast, I don't want this tumor to grow fast.  I want to keep living, there is so much more for me to do.  We waited for years to get here, hoping always that things would be the way we dreamed.  They are, it is, but I am not.  At least I have finally found peace in my heart, I am at peace and still in motion.  The fruit is still on the tree.

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